Last Monday, I led a study on Hosea at 18-30s, and it went fairly well. Not many people attended that night, but it doesn’t matter that much, I guess. I really like Hosea, actually. I just did a surface sort of discussion, really, but I’m thinking I’m going to study it much more in-depth during my time off. Amos and Hosea were the prophets of Israel at the same time, and Amos is super focused on social injustice, but Hosea’s focused on spiritual straying, which is interesting, that God was speaking through two people both about returning to Him and also to stop treating each other like crap and to look out for each other.

I’m feeling burdened by the desire to care for people lately – burdened in the good way, I want to be more caring about other people, I’m just not sure how to do it. I spent such a long time talking to Mel the other day about her situation with Oliver’s father, and when I was telling Nickoli some of what we were saying, he got all huggy and stuff and I know one of things he loves about me is the way I care about people. I just feel like lately I’ve not been very caring, like I’ve been really wrapped up in myself, I guess.

Although I was talking to Mary awhile ago and saying that I felt really down about how bad I am at housework, and she said to me that with depression, it was honestly an accomplishment that I got out of bed and don’t spend all day, every day crying. That doesn’t feel like enough, though, really.

In Hosea, there’s a verse (7v14) where God chastises the Israelites by saying “They do not cry out to me from their hearts, but wail upon their beds…” and that verse struck me, as well as one of the others (I can’t remember the reference, but I think it’s in chapter six?) about God longing to redeem them. I know God waits for us to ask, a lot of the time, and I guess I wonder if maybe lately I haven’t actually been relying on God to make this easier to deal with – if I’ve just been feeling sorry for myself, instead. I know that no amount of spiritualness will cure depression, but at the same time, if God’s supposed to be the centre of my life, then I don’t think I’ve really done that in this situation. I think I should probably step back and evaluate this. Failure isn’t really an option, so I might as well try to make getting through this a little easier on myself.

Anyway, I’m studying Hosea pretty hardcore, and loving it. He was such an amazing guy.

Yesterday I went to Chatsworth House with Leanne – where they filmed Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightley and The Duchess – also with Keira Knightley. It was incredible. Derbyshire is a beautiful county. The gardens went out for miles, into just woodlands, and you could sit in the middle of the main Italian garden and listen and only hear birds.

The older I get, the more I understand why people choose to live in the country.